two hands, one choice

A constant lament I hear a lot in my therapy room is: "...but it's so hard! I know what I should do, but I can't. I just can't do it!"

While I can absolutely appreciate that feeling of not being able to do it, I would argue that belief is just not an actual fact. An important, but unpopular and unfamiliar realization is that we can actually recognize something is really hard and seemingly impossible, and do it anyway.

I know that sounds sort of like a 'duh', and I swear I'm not saying that in a snarky, obvious way, but it's a truth most of us are really not aware of, and have little practice doing. 

This concept of  'it's hard but you can do it anyway' can sort of be related to what we would call a 'dialectic'. The concept of dialectics is essentially recognizing that there are two opposite things that can, and do, coexist at the same time. Take for instance, wet and dry. Or dark and light. Chocolate and vanilla. Red and white wine. The list goes on- we are taught opposites from a very early age, and recognize that you can't really fully understand one without the other, but they can both exist. 

So, let's apply this to real life. Let's make up an example- let's say you're trying to break a relationship that you know is going nowhere but it's so hard! Your partner is nice and kind, just not the ONE. So, you know you have to break up, but you don't want to hurt their feelings. 

In one hand, you hold the values of quality relationship and long term commitment- this is the stuff that is telling you to break up, because you don't see this current relationship working. In the other hand, you hold the values of kindness and caring- this is the hand that's telling you to not break up, because you don't want to hurt this really nice person's feelings. What do you do? Either way you feel like you're going to lose! 

Here's the thing: both values you hold are valid. They are real! They exist at the same time! But, in this case, they oppose each other and cause conflict and you feel paralyzed.

What to do? What to do? 

Well, I would say this is a perfect time for some good ol' fashioned 'it's hard, but do it anyway' dialectic love.

Here's what I would suggest: look at the VALUES in your hands, not the actual actions. Instead of getting sidelined by what you should or shouldn't do, look at the motives or values behind the actions. Give yourself permission to acknowledge that each hand holds something valuable, even if they are opposing (ie, dialectical). 

Then, weigh out those values in the context of your life: is it more meaningful for me to pursue a quality, lasting relationship, or to be kind and caring? I'd guess if you're honest with yourself, you can acknowledge that the long term value of a quality relationship is really important and has a longer impact than just being nice in the moment. 

So- you can hold and acknowledge one side, which is "I really don't want to do this, it will hurt", and acknowledge the other which is "I need to do this, it will align me with a very meaningful direction in my life". 

And, then you can see that while it may be painful, you can actually do what you think you can't! 

I know this is a little confusing, and of course it's never as easy as it seems when we explain it, but the concept remains the same- it is possible to not want to do something but do it anyway. 

So the question then is, what do you need to do today that you don't want to do?