Regret: a thing of the past or future?

I recently have decided to try having a bigger presence on social media. And by bigger presence, I really just mean a presence.so, naturally I created an Instagram account (kaciguilfordcounseling, if you want to follow). I've heard Facebook is for 'old people' and Twitter must be for young people because it makes me feel ridiculously old- how does the twittering even work? Anyway- Instagram it is. And I do what every red-blooded, IG-obsessed American gal likes to do on instagram: I find and post memes. Funny, inspirational, or honest- depends on mood that day, and what I think others may want to here. 

Of course, memes get old and I am trying to branch out. I have now started trying to include live videos (my worst nightmare) and trying to interact with "my followers". One of the things I am trying to start getting the hang of is something I am going to call #therapistthursdays. My vision is  for me to do a live video on Thursday, responding to a question or thought from a follower, or some other relevant, soul-shaking, earth-quaking tidbit, and then answer more in depth here on the blog. I have no idea how it's going to work, so bear with me! 

The first question that I got asked from a friend that I'd like to try to answer goes like this:

"Can you regret something that hasn't yet come to be and therefore may never come to be?" 

My first reaction was absolutely yes! Then I started to think about what the word 'regret' actually means, and I got a little stumped. The dictionary definition of 'regret' looks like this:

re·gret rəˈɡret/erb

1. 1.

   feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).

   
   
   

   "she immediately regretted her words"

   
   

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noun

1. 1.

   a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.
2. 
   

So here it is: regret is a feeling about the past- something that HAS or HAD been done. Ok, well then if, by definition, I can't actually regret something in the future, then why was my gut reaction a resounding "YES. I know that feeling!" and my emotional heartstrings getting all pulled as I heard this question? Obviously, I can relate to the heart behind this question: a potentially failed future expectation, hope or goal. 

Who here has ever wanted or put stock in something that hasn't happened yet? *Raises hand wildly*

Who here has ever desired something that they had no control over? *Raised hand starts shaking violently*

Anyone here ever have a hope that they laid their heart on, and then have the hope dashed for what seems forever, by the passing of time, or the winding away opportunities? *Wildly shaking hands raised, "Pick me, pick me!"*

Yeah, me too.

I have hoped. I have wanted. I have dreamed of things that felt so RIGHT and so GOOD and so HOPEFUL. And I have seen multiple of those dreams and hopes come and go, and not bear any fruit. So truly, the heart of this 'future regret' rings pretty darn close to home. 

I wonder though, what this feeling really is? If regret is based on something that has already happened, what is this emotional feeling toward something that hasn't yet, and therefore probably never will happen?

My heart and gut tell me it's a combo of feelings, mainly deep sorrow and grief (not the most popular of emotional combos, I'll tell you). The hope that is unrealized comes with a giant dose of sadness, disappointment, perhaps hurt, and maybe guilt. I would wrap all that up in the word sorrow. And grief, while it gets mainly assigned to death, also applies more broadly to what I categorize as loss that creates a hole or an ache. Of course, death is an obvious, enormous grief: a loved one is not only gone, but we are left managing our own mortality. Those are heavy, dark achy feelings. But grief can also apply to other losses: the inability to biological conceive a child, the loss of a job or marriage or friendship, the realization that your loved one will never love you the way you need them to, a move, a loss or transition from one life stage to the next... the list of what can be grieved can go on and on. 

So maybe it's not regret about the future not coming true- maybe it's more of a loss and a sadness, a grief and a sorrow.  Working through grief is a challenging hill to climb. Many researchers have tried to explain it into stages and steps to make it easier, but it still remains a large emotional wound that needs healing and attention. For me, I believe that the most challenging part of grieving the loss of something is holding that deep sadness in one hand, and holding hope and positivity in the other. I would argue that without an appropriate balance of sorrow and hope in a time of grief, you will be left emotionally unregulated. 

What I mean by that is this: if you are immensely sad but don't hold hope, you run the risk of being swallowed into the head game of sadness and being only that: sad. Disappointed. Unable to feel life. However, if you swing too strongly the other direction and refuse to acknowledge the pain by holding on to a blind hope, you begin to invalidate your own feelings and ignore your emotional cues. Either of those aren't necessarily bad or wrong, they are just extreme- and you then end up feeling disregulated... or 'off'. 

Anytime I have a client who is experiencing grief, and having the aching experience of loss, I try to encourage two main things: 

1) Learn how to open and shut the door on grief. Learn how to willing step towards it and embrace it and lean into it. And then learn how to step back, take a break and put it in the box with a lid on it for now. Not always, just now. 

2) Treat yourself the way you'd treat your friend: compassionately. We are all so nice to our friends when they are having a bad day, a rocky road, a super rough patch. But for some reason, most of us think that we are immune and undeserving of our own niceties. Instead, especially during grief, be kind to YOU Treat yourself gently. Allow yourself to feel both the hope and the sadness of it unrealized. Work on acknowledging that the dream you have feels impossible, which is disappointing. AND make room for continued hope for the future. 

I would encourage you to reach out to friends and loved ones around you if you are feeling this sense of 'future regret'. Talking with someone helps alleviate some of the isolation that can come with sadness. It can also help re-adjust our perspective, maybe pull us out of a looping mindset, or breath some life into our hopes. 

And to my friend that posed the original question: I hope you can find some peace in balancing continued hope and acceptance of what you have for today. xo