Self on a Shelf

Many times when people come into counseling, they tell me what they want to change. Often people ask me where my magic wand is, or what 7 steps I can give them to achieve a better life, healthier relationships, or more successful marriage. And I don't blame them- by the time people are willing to invest their time, money and energy to come see a counselor, they are usually standing at a pretty powerful fork in the road and want immediate relief.

Unfortunately for most of my clients, I don't have a magic wand (shhhh, don't tell them). And, also unfortunately, I totally skipped out on the class of the "The 7 magical steps to better living", so I can't actually give them that short cut either. 

Where I usually start, though, is talking about self-care, and learning how to be gentle with themselves. Sounds cheesy I know, and I'm (painfully) aware that most clients aren't totally stoked for this, and want something a little meatier. However, I am a firm believer that meaningful change is usually hard, and if it wasn't, you would have changed on your own a while ago and not paid someone hard earned money and time to tell you how to do it. So, if it's painful, let's set ourselves up for success with self-love and kindness before we embark on the hard journey of changing #allthethings. 

Self-care is typically synonymous in our vocabulary with the word 'selfish'. But guess what? THEY ARE NOT SYNONYMS! They are, in fact, extremely different. Take the definition of selfish: "lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure". Read that again- "lacking consideration for others" and "own personal profit or pleasure". Compare that to the definition of care: "the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something". Here I would emphasize the words "necessary for health.. of someone...". Get what I am laying down? 

Self-care is taking care of yourself so that you can, in turn, take care of others! It means making sure your needs for health and welfare are provided for; it does not mean selfishly turning other people away at their expense for your gain. Self-care is not selfish because it actually benefits ourselves, AND others. My favorite, yet cliche, metaphor that outlines the utter necessity of self care is the airplane oxygen mask. Recall back to your last airplane trip, and the safety talk. In an event of an emergency, they always and forever mention putting on your OWN oxygen mask before securing other peoples. Why? Because if you are breathing first, then you can take care of the other passengers. If you run out of oxygen, you are no good (sorry, cold hard fact of humanity there). Lesson? Take care of you a little, so you can take care of a lot of others. You tracking? Good. 

So- how do we put on our own metaphorical oxygen mask? 

Glad you asked. 

This idea, originally posted here, is an ingenious way to thing concretely and visually about what it is that fills you up. I usually encourage clients to create a little 'self care kit' to take with them, but this feels way more encompassing and is far catchier, so I think I am going to borrow it forever when I talk about self care. 

The idea is simple: think about the things that make you feel good. Replenish you. Rejuvenate you. Make you feel GOOD again. Think big, think small, thing long time, think short time... I also like to run through my five senses and make sure that I find something that appeals to all of them. But think of all these things, and capture them in one single space- maybe a real shelf in your room, or maybe just a metaphorical shelf you can pilfer through on bad days. Have things you can do in a pinch (light a candle, eat a gummy bear, take a deep breath) and things that will distract you, lose your anxiety and help you find yourself (a run, painting, good music). Have a handful of things so if one doesn't work, you can try the next one. 

The best part of this is having all your favorites in one place- you don't have to think, just choose.I promise you, if you start to embrace a little loving kindness and self-care, those bad days won't feel so bad, and you will be ready to embrace those bigger challenges that change brings if you feel cared for along the way. 

Here is what is on my own personal Health On a Shelf:

1) Brene Brown's, "I thought it was just me (but it isn't). A great reminder I'm not alone in this journey- even if I think I am. 
2) Maeve Binchey's "Circle of Friends". my all-time favorite book. This is my second copy because I loved my first one right into oblivion. 
3) A snarky mug. Hopefully filled with creamy, hot coffee.
4) Paint brushes and paints. I love to lose myself in a good painting session
5) Sadness. She is usually at the heart of most of my hidden feelings and vulnerabilty. 
6) My softest pillowcase and slippers and wooden hand-held cross, because I love to feel cozy and loved.
7) Lemongrass essential oil, because it smells SO GOOD. 
8) Not pictured: fresh flowers. Adding a dose of natural beauty in my line of sight as never, ever let me down.

1) Running shoes: a good run gets me every time. 
2) Headphones: music or a good podcast can really help me distract or snap out of wherever my crazy brain decides to take me. Music is almost always a fail-safe 'restart' button for me. 
3) Sparkling water. Yum
4). Moonflower lotion. I found this scent at a hotel in Arizona and it smells so luxurious and yummy, I took like every single travel sized bottle I could get my hands on. I just love it. 
5) Cinnamon bears, one of my ultimate pleasures in life. 
6) My mom's ashes. She passed away a few months ago and my heart still aches to not talk with her face to face. This is as close to her as I can get. 
7) Nail polish, preferably in a fun, bold color. 
8) Not pictured: red wine. Because I buy it by the boxful, literally, and that just didn't feel classy enough to put in a picture :)

What's on your shelf??